And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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