I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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