I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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