Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my being single is dangerous.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
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