He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.