Texts From Last Night

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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  god i miss watching you do this...

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  (612): so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim.. (507): god i miss watching you do this... http://tfl.nu/jwsv
  Replies (16) Good night (4881) Bad night (600)
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  (631): View more from New York

  the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama

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  (631): the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama http://tfl.nu/szy7
  Replies (32) Good night (615) Bad night (3210) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"

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  (860): You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW" http://tfl.nu/b6ij
  Replies (17) Good night (5785) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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  (816): Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it http://tfl.nu/hlut
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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  (970): just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address.... http://tfl.nu/ivpp
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  (646): View more from New York

  it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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  (646): it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there http://tfl.nu/bxrn
  Replies (6) Good night (5030) Bad night (1077) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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  (757): Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/fb35
  Replies (24) Good night (1502) Bad night (5087) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.

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  (415): Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt. http://tfl.nu/r5l2
  Replies (10) Good night (2326) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.

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  (973): Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not. http://tfl.nu/kqhm
  Replies (4) Good night (782) Bad night (2930) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

  (310): View more from California

  Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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  (310): I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.* (310): Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche. http://tfl.nu/gxdj
  Replies (12) Good night (2755) Bad night (608)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer

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  (518): I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer http://tfl.nu/dafr
  Replies (18) Good night (2085) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.

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  (360): He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way. http://tfl.nu/k068
  Replies (7) Good night (448) Bad night (1221) Order T-Shirt
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  (+88): View more from

  I swear the crows are laughing at me.

  (1+88): View more from

  You my friend are stoned into submission

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  (+88): I swear the crows are laughing at me. (1+88): You my friend are stoned into submission http://tfl.nu/466h
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

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  (716): I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you. http://tfl.nu/7kt1
  Replies (7) Good night (961) Bad night (305) Order T-Shirt

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