i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
19 Movie Extras Reveal What It’s Like To Work With Celebrities
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm just crazy horny about you
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b