my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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