I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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