After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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