I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
