im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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