You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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