another moral hangover. fuck.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
