Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
