Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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