I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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