I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
