My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
