My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
