I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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