it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
