I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
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We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
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Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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