my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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