I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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