After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
