I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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