I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
