Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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