standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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