I just saw a hot homeless man
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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