I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When did angry sex become our thing?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
