And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
