last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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