i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
