then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
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The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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