why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
