I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
