he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
