I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
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You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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