so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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