Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
