capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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