every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
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You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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