Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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