I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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