The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
