sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
