Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize