I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
