she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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