Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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