I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
