Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
