i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
