I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
