i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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