I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
