Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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