I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
