Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
