just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
