party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
